Official Spokesman for the Department of Emptiness

One would think that an event as disturbing and profound as the 9.11 attacks would take people aback, force them to reflect, deepen and make meaningful our public discourse as we came face to face with death.

But our public discourse is, it seems, impervious to meaningfulness. The people who mouth it are so utterly devoted to sheer mindless cant that not even cataclysm can shake them into reality.

The first couple of days, it seemed that every single official and spokesman prefaced every single sentence with "Make no mistake." "Make no mistake," they said, "the cowards who did this will pay." Probably when they called Pizza Hut that evening it was "Make no mistake: anchovies."

"Make no mistake" was designed to make people such as Ari Fleischer or Hugh Shelton or (for pity's sake) Orrin Hatch seem strong, decisive. Instead they seemed like sheep or perhaps cleverly disguised playback devices. "Make no mistake" has seemingly replaced the all-purpose mutterance of the Clinton era, "Let me be clear," which is the perfect introduction to opacity, evasion, or utter nonsense.

There's no reason that everyone needs to mouth the same catch-phrase simultaneously. I would suggest that, just to mix things up a bit, somebody should try out "Mark my words," or perhaps "What up, dog?"

"Cowards" itself seemed rather mechanical, as it is the all-purpose term of disapprobation for terrorists. But as you contemplate what it would be like to pilot a plane into a skyscraper, it might occur to you that almost everything was wrong with these people except the state of their courage.

Before long, the corporate world had joined in. Subway appeared during the first week of NFL games to scroll this down our screens in white lettering on a black background, "To those whose lives have been impacted by the recent tragedies - you are in our hearts and prayers. We extend our deepest gratitude to the heroes..." etc. Anheuser Busch scrolled a virtually identical text down the screen after that. In white, on a black background. All over America, people with something to sell you or the desire for your vote were mumbling the same set of cliches, as if sincerity were inversely proportional to originality.

Almost every media outlet brand-named their coverage "America Attacked" or very close variations thereof, in case you were wondering whether the cable news operations watch one another, or whether newspaper editors watch CNN. Before long, they were flying the stars and stripes behind "America falls asleep on the couch" and "America takes a dump."

All these developments lead to some interesting conclusions. First of all, we need at most one public official. Second, we need at most one news source. Third, we need at most one corporation. Everyone else is, literally, redundant.

God bless America. And God help us.

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