AVOID CELEBRITY

By Andrew Cameron Williams

Is Jodie Foster a lesbian or bisexual? Is Michael Jackson even stranger than we think? Is Harry Belafonte a mental case? Has Ellen DeGeneres had her teeth done? In a healthy society, where people had more important and interesting things with which to occupy themselves, the only possible answer would be: Who cares?

The problem is, we live in a society that is overweeningly preoccupied with the peccadillos of celebrities. We have too few Johnsons and too many shits. And the shits all think they know whatπs wrong with people theyπve never even met or seen outside of a screen. As that old sage William S. Burroughs once explained, ≥The mark of a hard-core shit is that he has to be RIGHT. He minds other peopleπs business because he has no business of his own to mind.≤

A Johnson, on the other hand, doesnπt care what you do as long as it doesnπt interfere with someone elseπs life. If youπre smoking a joint in your house, not bothering a soul, a Johnson doesnπt give a shit. But if youπre being hassled by thieves or youπre beating your wife, a Johnson will get involved and put an end to the violence.

Celebrity, at too young or psychologically tender an age, can warp a personality to the point of illness and suicide. Ask Michael Jackson. Ask Kurt Cobain. Granted, their lives were not problem-free, but the incessant attention of the media and fanatics hungry for the latest dirt added TNT to what were, at best, bonfires.

What do celebrities--especially artists and athletes--owe us? Outside of their best possible work, absolutely nothing. No one has the right to expect a celebrity to be a role model. No one has the right to expect a celebrity to be a Puritan or a libertine. And no one has the right to demand more from a famous person than they are prepared to give.

One thing Iπve learned in meeting famous people is that there is a time to ask for an autograph and a short chat, and then there are times when the handsome thing is to simply wave or nod in their direction and move on. You may want with all your soul to gush over that favorite actor of yours or that musician whose album youπve practically worn out on your CD or MP3, but if theyπre eating or having private chat with an old friend, give them their space--just as you would a personal friend.

We live in an age where civility seems to be eroding as our technological gadgetry grows like electronic weeds all around us. Some people think nothing of bringing cell phones into restaurants and sharing the intimate details of their lives with absolute strangers. Iπve almost entirely stopped going to movie theaters and concerts in order to avoid dealing with obnoxious motor mouths who canπt or wonπt do anything about their verbal diarrhea.

How do I cope? I turn my cell phone off when Iπm eating in public or private. I watch a lot of DVDs, or I read a book. Or I write. Or I stare off into space and think. And I donπt spend more than 10 seconds wondering if Bono is really the great guy he appears to be. Or whether Cher has had more plastic surgery.

I am not qualified in any way, shape or form to tell anyone how to live their lives, except myself. These are my rules of conduct, and no one elseπs. But sometimes, I just have to turn to the person next to me who is interfering with my enjoyment of a movie or concert and say, ≥Excuse me, but I didnπt pay ten dollars to hear you run your mouth.≤ Even if it means a fight. Because even though I perceive myself as living in an uncivil society, that doesnπt mean I have to put up with other peopleπs bullshit. Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins. Your right to run your mouth ends where my enjoyment of a performance begins.