ANTI-SMOKERS KILL ME

by Andrew Williams

If you, like yours truly, are a denizen of Maryland--or any state in the

DC Metro broadcast area--you've seen this ad:

citizens from all over the Free State declaring their towns to be

smoke-free areas. The killer touch is the tagline, where the announcer

gives carte blanche to the local health Nazis, cheering them on with the

exhortation "you've got the whole state behind you." Short form:

Glendening spank.

Now I must tell you constant readers that in my whole life's lifetime I

have smoked the same number of tobacco sticks as the late Frank Zappa

smoked joints. (Answer for trivia freaks: 10.) But this latest propaganda

putsch push makes me want to walk 1 1/2 miles to the nearest 7-11 and

plunk down some of my FRN's for a pack of smokes.

I'm no idiot. I know the consequences of inhaling cyanide and other toxins

heated to hundreds of degrees Fahrenheit. I've seen the atrophied lungs in

the autopsy pans, the tar-coated bronchii like those of a West Virginia

coal miner. When I was 8 years old, I was an anti-smoking zealot, as

insufferable and omnipresent as Curtis, the creation of cartoonist Ray

Billingsley. But I grew out of it by gradually realizing you can't force

folks to change their habits or their minds.

As a teetotaler, my reaction to these shrill shills posing as concerned

citizens is the same as any inhaler's: "I don't mind you thinking I'm

dumb--just don't talk to me like I'm dumb."

(I am not putting down all anti-smoking ads. I like the ones produced by

Infect Truth: they stick to the facts, they're clever--if a bit

staged--and sometimes amusing, like the ones with the toy baby dolls. Now

if they would start telling the unpopular truth about marijuana....)

There are certain advantages to puffing--one of them created by the

anti-smoking contingent in our fair state. Anytime you need a break from

la familia or your McJob, you can claim a need to feed your nicotine demon

and head outdoors. (OK, so only some of the air going into your lungs will

be fresh. There's always a tradeoff.)

Most people's jobs are dead boring, denuded of initiative, creativity and

thought. Hence the popularity of the legal stimulants nicotene and

caffeine. The Fed knows that if

these substances (which Zappa likened to food) were made illegal--after

all, they are drugs--worker productivity in

the U.S. of A. would drop faster than Enron stock.

A few words from my mentor Bill Hicks for any anti-smoking activists who

may run their eyes across this text: "You are the worst advertisement for

non-smoking...I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of you."

Remember that quote the next time a nicotine "fiend" blows a smoke screen

over your face in response to your self-righteous diatribe. You might also

keep in mind that old but good Southern adage: "You can catch more flies

with honey than you can with vinegar." Or the force of the "free" state.

www.infecttruth.com

www.billhicks.com

www.zappa.com