THE REAL STATE OF THE UNION

by Andrew Cameron Williams

If someone had slipped George Bush some truth serum before he delivered the State of the Union address. here's what he might have said:

"My fellow Americans, I come before you tonight humbled and ashamed. I am ashamed that our country sent its troops--your wives and husbands, your fathers and daughters, your sweethearts and sons--into harm's way based on evidence provided by an Iraqi individual whose mental stability was questionable at best and non-existant at worst. And I blame myself most of all, because I knew that that individual might be telling us what he thought we wanted to hear. Saddam Hussein was a threat, not to us, but to the Arabic world. And given time, we could have come up with a better diplomatic solution to the problem.

"I am ashamed of our response to Katrina. And again, I blame myself. I appointed, as head of FEMA, a person who had virtually no qualifications for the job, and then tied his hands with inadequate funding. To the people of New Orleans, many of whom lost loved ones to Katrina and Rita, nothing I can say will ease the unimaginable pain you must endure. And I am eternally grateful to the citizens of this country who stepped up and did the job when we were lagging in our response.

"I was planning to speak tonight about our dependence on oil from the United Arab Emirates. But what I planned to say did not go far enough. It is long past time that we ended our dependence on oil, period. We live on a beautiful planet that gives us every day a rich harvest of food and fuel. The sun, the wind and the earth itself are vital, perennial sources of energy. We must do more to use these sources of energy to light and heat our world.

"And, perhaps most of all, I am ashamed of using the horrific events of September 11, 2001 to create a police state in this country. Free men have been aghast at the actions of our Administration in spying on Americans without warrant, creating a chilling effect upon dissent, equating dissent with disloyalty. Edward R. Murrow and Dwight D. Eisenhower warned us against such a mistake. And we ignored their warnings.

"Cindy Sheehan was one of those Americans who was trying to tell me that our country is on the wrong course. I ignored her, I had her arrested, I let my so-called supporters portray her as an unbalanced person when, really, she was so very right about so very many things. And so, I am having her released from prison immediately with a written apology from me.

"As to my Cabinet members--Dick, Condi, Karl, Antonio, Paul: you're history. I expect your resignations on my desk tomorrow. If you are unable or unwilling to write your own resignations, I have taken the liberty of writing them for you. All you have to do is sign them. I expect you to do so. In any event, the Secret Service has been instructed to escort you from your offices at 5 PM tomorrow--with or without your willing consent. Consider yourselves fortunate. You helped perpetrate fraud and deceit upon millions of Americans, and you did it willingly. And to Judge Samuel Alito--I'm sorry, but I've had to withdraw your nomination. Your positions on the grave issues facing this country are too divisive.

"One of the few things I am proud of is our initiative to return to NASA's true mission: to explore our solar system and beyond. I believe we must return to the Moon, hopefully by the year 2011. And I believe we can send an expedition to Mars within a decade from now. The long-range exploration of space may yield information and riches far beyond what even science can imagine. It is my earnest hope that we will reach these goals. And I am also encouraged by private efforts, such as those by Sir Richard Branson, to make space travel available to the average person. As a great Russian scientist once said, Earth is the cradle of Humanity, but one cannot live in the cradle forever.

"Finally, I am resigning the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Given my lackluster performance and complicity with the fraud and deceit that this office has allowed, I cannot in good conscience continue as your President. As succession dictates, Sen. Reid will assume the Presidency, effective at noon tomorrow.

"I can't begin to say how sorry I am. I was not qualified for this job, and I've learned almost nothing since taking it. All I can ask you now is to support the Congress in the actions they must take. My fellow Americans, I say to you: Good night, and good luck."

And then, of course, I woke up.