On His 85^th Birthday (5.29.02): A New Theory About JFK's Assassination

By Crispin Sartwell

Like Oliver Stone and a lot of other mentally ill people, I once went through a phase of trying to figure out who killed JFK. Now, on his 85^th birthday, I'm ready to put forward my amazing theory.

But before I do, let's run through the usual suspects.

Castro: possible, since Kennedy was trying to kill him, deploying the Keystone Cops (CIA) to make Castro's Havanas explode.

The Russians: unlikely, despite the fact that Oswald spent time in the Soviet Union. It was the height of the Cold War, but the Soviet situation was not going to be improved by Johnson's ascension.

Organized crime: well, possible because of Bobby, JFK's Attorney General and an avid prosecutor. But on the other hand since the mob had appointed itself pimp to the president, with the considerable opportunities for blackmail thus entailed, seems like Cosa Nostra was doing just fine.

Factions of the US government: ridiculous. One theory, which I guess Stone among others liked, was that it was the CIA, Hoover, the military establishment. Maybe Kennedy was going to pull out of Vietnam.

Since I am as paranoid about the American government as anyone, I would like to believe this. But I don't.

JFK was a cold warrior . I expect the arc of Vietnam would have been roughly the same had he survived. In fact, Kennedy's treatment of Castro was a pretty good indication of where his head was at.

Kennedy was an establishment politician. And he was much, much more interested in sex with starlets than in policy of any kind.

It's kinda sweet that Stone and whoever had ideals that were shattered by the assassination. But these ideals, like a lot of ideals, were indistinguishable from naivete. Malcolm X was an interesting, dangerous man. Kennedy was just a pretty-boy, party-boy mediocrity, serving the usual powers.

So maybe dozens of shooters lined the parade route, deployed by various government agencies. Maybe the oil companies wanted to eliminate Governor John Connolly of Texas - who was in the car and was wounded - because he was about to reverse a lifetime of subjection and betray them.

Maybe enemies of the pillbox hat were trying to take out Jackie.

But maybe, just maybe, it was one little chump named Lee Harvey Oswald.