Jimbo Takes Control

By Crispin Sartwell

 

Hey folks. I know all of you are anxious to know more about my nominee to the Supreme Court. So let's go right to the questions. Bob?

    "Of the thousands of people you could have chosen for the Supreme Court - all the eminent jurists, constitutional scholars, brilliant legal minds - are you convinced Jimbo is the most qualified?"

     "I'm glad you asked that, Bob, because I interviewed a whole bunch of those people. And with each candidate, whether it was Priscilla Owen or Janice Rogers Brown or J. Michael Luttig, I asked myself one key question: do I really know this person? Sometimes I sort of thought I'd met them somewhere, but I never could really place them. So one day right after we'd chipped up to the seventh green, I said, well Jimbo, what about you? Stephanie."

    "What is Mr. Jimbo's legal background?"

    "It's true that Jimbo is not a judge. He's not a lawyer. But in the construction business, you have to be a decision maker. When Senator Reid came to my office to consult on this nomination, he suggested that I appoint someone from outside the insular legal world. Well, Harry, wishes do come true. Fred."

   "Mr. President, conservative groups are worried that you have nominated a 'stealth' candidate. They worry that Jimbo, like David Souter, will turn out to be an ultraviolent Maoist rebel intent on destroying our sacred way of life. Can you comfort these conservatives in their distress?"

     "These people need to trust me, Fred. I know Jimbo's heart. I know his mind. Jimbo knows that ten years from now, twenty years from now, a hundred years from now he will rule the way I tell him to rule, or I will show everyone that video from his bachelor party. Sally."

   "Mr. President, what can you tell us about your candidate's judicial philosophy?"

     "The other day I was talking to Anthony Kennedy, and he was giving me that annoying little lecture he always gives everybody. 'Judges should legislate from the bench,' he said. 'I don't care what James Madison thought. My question is: what does Jacques Chirac think?' I can tell you right now that Jimbo does not agree with any of that, though he may not really disagree with it either. Next question? Back there. You."

     "Do you still have enough political capital to get this nomination through the Senate?"

    "Elections have consequences. I think whenever the people of America select someone to be their leader, they understand that a leader has to lead, that a leader has to appoint his largest campaign contributors to positions of responsibility. That is our form of government. Sheila?"

    "What is Jimbo's position on the right of privacy?"

    "Jimbo goes to church. And one thing he learned in Sunday School is that God is watching you all the time. God knows what's in your underwear drawer, follow me? And so does Alberto Gonzales. Grbrscrzrlu?"

   "Where does Jimbo stand on the war powers of the executive branch?"

   "Well, Grbrscrzrlu, when Jimbo was going through the vetting process, we mostly talked sports. But when the Attorney General asked him whether he thought the Constitution allows the executive branch to arrest anyone it likes, hold them without charge, try them without representation, and torture them sexually, Jimbo knew exactly what he was talking about. After all, this is a man who was president of his college fraternity.

    "And now Jimbo will make a brief statement."

    "Mr. President, thank you so much for this amazing honor. I would say that I'm "humbled," but you can't really humble a man by making him incredibly famous and powerful. Look, mom! It's me, little Jimmy!"