Crispin Sartwell, Motivational Speaker

By Crispin Sartwell

When I've finished talking to you today, your life will be changed forever. Re-forged in the fires of the Inferno we like to call Motivation, you will go forth to change the world. I'm not afraid to brag about myself. The people who have learned from me how to realize their every dream include Frank Quattrone, Dennis Kozlowski, Martha Stuart, and Kenneth Lay: people who define success in today's world, if not tomorrow's.

We're here today to talk about the most important subject in the world: you. I don't even know your name, and, God willing, I never will, but I know you are an extremely intelligent, attractive, interesting, effective person. You will become wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.

How do I know this? Because you''ve paid me good money to know it. Ha ha! If you don''t believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you, either.

Remember this. You are special. You are unique. Nobody else is you! When I'm finished with you, your self-image will be a kind of bloated distortion the self you are now, a caricature poised on the brink of realizing every megalomaniac dream it could ever have.

And now let''s experience together a Power Point presentation of the Crispin Sartwell 6-Step Program to Find Unconditional Self-Love and Build the Insane Self-Confidence and Gigantic Tax Shelter You Crave (TM).

(1) Say your daily affirmations. Nothing is more important than repeating the same things over and over again to yourself. The great philosophers called that "thinking" and it is what makes you who you are! And so, if you want to overcome all obstacles and victoriously realize your bizarre fantasies, you''ll want a complete set of "Crispin Sartwell" cards and tapes. While you drive to work, you'll hear my melodic voice intoning such apothegms as "I'm not as stupid as other people think I am," "It's not my fault," "I deserve what you have," and "Delete all the records."

(2) Stop comparing yourself to people who are better than you. Are you a jerk? Believe it or not, most of the people I''ve helped were truly repulsive human beings, and were worse when I was done with them. But no matter how doltish and physically disgusting you may be, no matter how consumed you are by a greed that makes other people''s welfare or even their existence seem to you an empty delusion, there is almost always someone who''s even worse than you are. Surround yourself with such people. Hire them and ridicule them. Blame them for your mistakes.

(3) Approach each situation with overwhelming self-confidence. Nothing makes it likelier for you to be able to perform complex, difficult tasks or eventually to achieve exoneration than believing you can. You''d be surprised what confidence can do! I know I can play the horn like Coltrane, write like Milton, jam like Jordan, walk off scot-free like O.J., How do I know it? I don''t. I *believe* it. And if I believe it despite all the hard evidence, there''s nothing I can''t do.

(4) Stay optimistic. You may have recently gotten laid off. Your spouse and your children may be snarling ingrates who blame you for their empty, wretched lives. Everyone who ever loved you may have finally run away, screaming. You may be swilling Mad Dog 20/20 and living under a bridge. But you are still a success.

(5) Remember that you create your world by your attitudes and perceptions. Now you may be thinking, "If I created my world, and he created his world, what happens when we both apply for the same job?" You chump. You created him too, and even me! You in turn are a figment of my imagination: nothing more than another nightmare I''m having. People make their own reality. They can't be born with spina bifida, contract HIV, have a grand piano dropped on them off a four-story building by Bugs Bunny, or be detected by the SEC unless that's what they really want, deep inside.

(7) Selfishness is charity. Your corruption is likely to enrich your friends, if any. So expect success!

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Crispin Sartwell''s most recent book is "End of Story: Toward an Annihilation of Language and History."