for your unofficially unlicensed nihilist merchandise.

philadelphia inquirer: my acceptance speech at the 2000 american nihilist party convention

oops! maybe i didn't make this up.national nihilist party: website of elisha shapiro, "a dangerous man for dangerous times."
his platform includes mandatory sodomy in georgia. maybe we'll be running mates.

Platform of the Nihilist Organization

Many proud but concerned Americans have asked me, "Senator Sartwell, what is the Nihilist position on the challenges that confront our cursed, bloated nation?"

The first thing to keep in mind is that everything I say, even this very sentence, is false. Nihilism faces the issues of today and of tomorrow with a bold, positive vision.

(1) Terrorism
As shown by the popularity of Stephen King and John Ashcroft, people enjoy being terrified. What a beautiful time to be alive, momentarily.

(2) War
We propose a war of each against all, which is amply justified by the best intelligence. If there is a threat, it may well be presented by human beings like you and me, or possibly like you and I. We remain confident that a return to the Hobbesian state of nature will find broad bipartisan support in the Senate.

(3) Education
We believe that children are our future. This idea fills us with the most profound despair.

(4) Tax Policy
Read my lips. Deficit spending is a metaphor for all existence: a pure, perfect nothingness that encompasses all of us, ingesting us into its maw of Absolute Negation Without Antithesis. Let us commit ourselves to it utterly, tumble over its lip, and fall forever, forever . . . We shall erode into the screaming wind of utter absence.

(5) Abortion
We are the only party which dares to oppose both life and choice. Life is an infestation, choice an illusion.

(6) Gun Control
Arm the unborn.

(7) Church and State
God presents the biggest threat to the homeland. Remember the Flood. Remember what happened to Egypt or Sodom and Gomorrah. Omnipotence is the ultimate WMD. We propose a pre-emptive strike on heaven, and to try God for everything that has ever happened.

(8) Gay Marriage
We support gay marriage. But interracial gay marriage is unnatural.

(9) Drugs
A great nihilist heroine, Nancy Reagan, once said "Just Say No." No.

(10) Bush and Kerry
We miss Al Gore. But whoever is elected, nihilists will win this election. We commend Bush's lies and the emptiness of his inner life. Kerry stands tall and proud, expressing his deep commitment to Nothing At All.

(11) Mutual Simultaneous Annihilation Let's say that Bush and Kerry started eating one another, beginning at the toes and moving toward the head, finishing up by devouring one another's mouths. What, we ask a deeply divided nation, would be the result? We are the only party facing this crisis squarely.

Nothing works. It really does. My fellow Americans, my fellow flies swarming closer and closer to the great swatter, let us rush upon oblivion together.