Preparedness Guide

By Crispin Sartwell

Every day, thousands of Americans just like you ask me: "Mr. Secretary, how can I protect myself and my family from attacks by terrorists who hate our sacred way of life? Am I in immediate danger, and, if so, how should I respond?" Here is the department's official preparedness guide:

(1) Pretend everything's alright. Abandon hope.

(2) Avoid bridges, subways, airplanes, buses, highways, cities, and buildings. Be on the lookout for cars, suitcases, packages, shoes, envelopes, dust, and air.

(3) If you are so inclined, this is a good time to start sniffing glue.

(5) Go ahead and max out all your credit cards.

(6) Lay out a large roll of plastic wrap on your floor. Lie down on one end, grasping it firmly in the left hand. Now roll counter-clockwise until you are covered securely from head to foot. This keeps you fresh.

(7) There are specific skills that could save your life, and now is the time to cultivate them. It would help, for example, to be a master of escape and an expert at improvising high explosives from household cleaning products. Failing that, practice begging, wheedling, pretending to like terrorists and be on their side, sobbing uncontrollably, groveling, abasing yourself, whining, and cooperating.

(8) A substantial cache of weapons-grade plutonium is likely to put you in a better negotiating posture. Notice that not even Donald Rumsfeld messes with Pyongyang.

(9) Your job is no longer important. Consider a career in sales: pain medications, for example, or burial plots. This might also help you work up the pitch you're going to try on St. Peter.

(10) Monitor your neighbors, friends, family, and yourself very carefully. Report all activity to the department.

(11) Perhaps the most dangerous place to be right now is at an anti-war demonstration.

(12) Watch television all the time.

(13) Repent.

(14) Now might be the right moment to convert to Islam.

(15) Run around in circles screaming. It confuses them.

(16) Thinking can only hurt you now. Do what we tell you.

(17) Why did you call me "Mr. Secretary"?

(18) Stop pretending to like Picasso.

(19) This is your last chance to have sex, so think carefully, though quickly, about how and with whom.

(20) Keep in mind that you were going to die anyway.

The department and I, personally, thank you for your mindless obedience. Be safe. Be well. Stay fresh.