Sure We Killed Jesus. But it's No Biggie.

By Crispin Sartwell

Okay okay. We did it. We, our kids, our mothers, our Klezmer bands, our Borscht Belt comics. We admit it. We killed Jesus.

And frankly, we'll do it again if we get the chance, and for the same good reasons.

(1) He was a heretic. You Christians ought to be able to relate to our response. We're pikers compared to y'all, the slap-happy folks who gave us the Inquisition. You, like us, ought manfully to assume full responsibility for the actions of your forebears. And you can't tell me that when Ralph Reed makes it to the U.S. Senate he won't be executing heretics on C-SPAN.

(2) It was God's will. Remember: he *gave* his only begotten son. This was no Lindbergh kidnapping. Jesus predicted his own betrayal and death, and we didn't want to embarrass him by making it look like he didn't know what he was talking about. The only way God could arrange salvation for the entire human race, all the way down to Mel Gibson's dad, was to call home this carpenter of uncertain parentage. Stubborn as we are, even we can't say no to omnipotence.

(3) You can't say Jesus wasn't asking for it. This is what he told the Jewish authorities: "You snakes! You brood of vipers! How can you escape being sentenced to hell?" (Matthew 23: 29). There was a lot more in that vein, aimed pretty much at anyone who didn't instantly accept his Godhead. That grated on our nerves after awhile. Anyway, Jesus himself was a Jew, so the whole thing's at least as much his fault as Buddy Hackett's.

(4) We did it for you. Can't rise again if you ain't dead. Your stigmata, your cross, your crown of thorns: without us, all that's left is the Easter bunny. You'd all be on your knees to Lord Krishna.

Far from being grounds for enmity, pogroms, and concentration camps, the fact that we Jews gave you your messiah with one clean, simple crucifixion should be the grounds for cordial interfaith dialogue. Next time we kill Jesus, just say thanks.

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