The White Problem: a Solution

By Crispin Sartwell

The rumors have of course persisted for many years, but I am now in a position to put to rest, once and for all, the matter of Dick Cheney's racial heritage.

Dick Cheney is white. How white *is* Dick Cheney? Very white. White as a non-avocado Frigidaire. White as a Klan sheet after a good Cloroxing.

All four of Dick Cheney's grandparents were Caucasians - their Adidas sweatsuits, crack addictions, and pimp struts notwithstanding.

At this point, we all agree about the genetic differences between the races. White people are smarter than black people, though not as smart as Asians. No one knows - or cares, really - how smart Australian Aborigines or Native Americans are.

But though white folks are reasonably intelligent, they are the most morally degraded of all peoples: a gutter race of murderers, rapists, metrosexuals, and people who made "Friends" popular. Their women are promiscuous champagne swillers; their men are Bernie Ebberses.

Think for a moment about the slave trade, colonialism, the holocaust, the atom bomb, Trent Lott's hairpiece: all of the most monstrous crimes of history are the work of white people. There is only one rational conclusion to be drawn from the overwhelming empirical evidence: white people are morally defective, determined at the level of their sad little genes toward the most vile evil.

Behind the white people who apparently run the world, there is a secret cabal of white people who actually run the world. Fiendishly, these are very the same people.

I support a humane program to herd all white people together and ship them to camps in Antarctica, where they would blend into the terrain while posing less of a threat to the rest of us.

Antarctica will be a happy white homeland, for which Disney provides the culture, Microsoft the knowledge, and Dennis Hastert the leadership. Let them take their Barbies, their back issues of Martha Stewart Living, their Harry Potter, their Abercrombie and Fitch, their "New Iraq." And let them never return.

Admittedly, white culture, though it cannot boast a George Washington Carver, has produced a few distinguished scientists, artists, and politicians. And yet, for every Aristotle, there is a Plato: a chronic buggerer and vicious world-hater. For every Tolstoy there is a Joyce. For every Vermeer a Picasso. For every Mandy Moore a Jessica Simpson. For every Stalin a Clarence Thomas. Clarence Thomas? Yes, Clarence Thomas.

White people present more of a threat now than ever, if that is possible. John Ashcroft, with his so-called cult of Jesus, his enemy combatants, his white associates, and his sexual obsession with Justin Timberlake, is just the tip of the monstrous iceberg.

White people dominate the world economic system in a conspiracy between the British Royal Family, the Pope, and Sting. Think how much richer we'll all be once we detain Bill Gates, tattoo him, and take all his stuff. And think about how quickly we could then replace Windows with a decent operating system.

Who owns the pharmaceutical companies? Who invented public housing? Who publishes memoirs by the Clintons? Answer: white people.

How can white people do all these things? We all know the answer in our hearts: they got no soul, and so no claim for moral or religious recognition as human. Deal with them as you would an infestation of rabid hedgehogs.

  Through a wise combination of expropriation, internment, interment, and eugenics, the white threat can be answered.

Later on, we can make it up to Dick Cheney's posterity, if any remain, during White History Month.